It’s cool to see a post that isn’t ‘don’t hurt yourself in the first place!!’ but is actually giving you geniune, helpful advice for recovery and caring for yourself
You know, that discovery about my past was probably the most freeing experience of my life. When it came to my attention that there was a good reason for being the way I am, it relieved so much of my shame and guilt. It was the missing piece to a large puzzle.
The stress of the situation caused…
The human brain astounds me sometimes, especially in the way it will fight for life, even if the enemy is itself. Death has always been behind me, looking over my shoulder. But something seems to wake me every time he comes near.
The details of a younger incident have faded from memory, but these…
I went to my dad’s today. It’s always weird to be in a room with all of my siblings. It doesn’t happen often.
My dad asked me to smoke a joint with him. I didn’t think it was a good idea at first because I’ve been smoking a lot lately and I had to work tonight… (Which, I hardly got anything done….
|—||Nikola Tesla (via samsaranmusing)|
Happy Birthday to me!
I’m aching today, and that’s probably because something important in my life is coming to a close. Now I’m left with that emptiness.
I’m also learning hard lessons about love and friendship.
For my birthday, I’d like to sleep.
I was happy to give Otep my drawing.
Gonna keep practicing.
There once was a man who lived in medieval France. When he was seventeen he was implicated in a plot to kill the French king. His co-conspirators were hung but because of his youth he was thrown into a dungeon cell and promptly forgotten by all but the jailor who brought him his daily crust of bread and watery soup. He lived in perpetual darkness and slept on the damp stones. He was alone with no books to keep him company. He gradually went mad in his loneliness. Year after year went by and nothing happened except the man was brought some food and his slops emptied by a guard who he did not see and to whom he never spoke. Once after fifteen years he was given a slice of gingerbread on Christmas day. This one act of generosity was the greatest thing which happened to him in all those years. After twenty years strange things began to happen. The man, now no longer young, began to think. He started at the beginning. He was, he existed. Then from there he built a cathedral of the mind one brick at a time. He extended his thinking to the structures of things and developed a kind of mathematics unique to him. Now, the universe began to open for him as he employed thought to extrapolate the existence of stars and galaxies. He saw, intuitively, the connections between life and the universe. Now, his days and nights were filled with wondrous discovery and insight. He looked forward to every waking moment and even in his dreams he was unraveling the threads of reality. He came to realize that nothing was as it seemed and that matter was just a form of energy in a matrix of probability.
He studied the stones of the gray walls that surrounded him and came to understand their structure. He could see the very patterns of the atoms and the bonds that held them. Then, one day, it all fell into place. He rose, and walked through the spaces in the atoms of the walls and into the sunlight. He was free.
I wanted to share a couple of entries that I wrote in early 2012. It was during a bout of deep depression, a few months after my suicide attempt.
My viewpoint has shifted since then, but it’s interesting to reflect. Always keep evolving forward.
It seems that for most people, the physical realm is primary. For me, the spiritual world is primary. It tends to make physical responsibilities seem unimportant compared to the disaster that is taking place inside of me.
The outer world is so undesirable, and yet necessary.
I wish I could live exclusively in the spiritual world.
Or I want to perhaps be a communicator to life and an observer, but not a participant.
Attachment brings suffering.
Byin rlabs — transforming into magnificent potential.
No matter how unbearable, at times I believe that I dwell in my sadness because I find it meaningful and thought provoking. I want to know everything. Happiness seems to lack depth.
And also, what I call happiness is often nothing more than temporary distraction.