May 2013
11 posts
I swear I don't eat children...: Pancakes →
fearfortheflesh:
I found this poem I wrote when I was 14, as well as its explanation. Kinda funny to me.
Love is like eating pancakes on a paper plate You should get a ceramic plate but you can’t wait To get the best pancakes you have to hurry up Only the paper plate won’t support the syrup
You get the best…
The Ending Cycle
fearfortheflesh:
Death comes once a month.
Decaying fragments must be shed to allow new growth, so I have been doing some soul searching. Which pieces of me are dying and which are sprouting new life?
I prefer not to focus on the old self, or so says the new self, so I will concentrate on what I sense blossoming.
Feminine nature. Creativity. Courage. Exploration. Self mastery.
Coming to Life
fearfortheflesh:
I feel… alive again. All the pieces are falling together on their own. My shadowy past forces me to keep dreaming of the future. It’s also becoming easier to maintain the present moment.
Change is coming. I need to keep striving forward.
I swear I don't eat children...: Observations →
fearfortheflesh:
When I’m feeling happy and confident, people are very friendly toward me and want to be around me despite my odd nature and scars.
I definitely DO have that devious side to me and I just recently learned how to play back in the love/sex department through some jerk-off at a party.
I need…
“The truth is, as spirited as my righteous wrath is against these simpletons, I...”
– One World. One Love. xx Otep (via girlgoesgrrr)
I’m glad… she’s happy and healing.
She’ll always be my muse. The ache in my heart fueling my creative endeavors. For this, I am grateful.
April 2013
4 posts
Not my specialty, but whatever. I enjoy writing it on occasion.
She stole my heart And took away All the pain Of yesterday Replaced it with A burning fire To fuel the ache Of creative desire
Seduced and destroyed… Yet, I still look at her like a motherly mentor. I hope to keep that part dominant in interaction.
She did me a huge favor. Pain isn’t so bad in comparison.
The woman...
Am I being a parasite? I think I am… It means I need to back off a bit.
Time to move on now. Forgive myself and move on.
Acceptance. Accept myself for me.
This spot seems familiar.
Space. Give some space. I’m overdoing it, I know. And I know this all probably plagues my mind more than anything else. I need to refocus my attention now. I have my answers. I’m getting paranoid again.
Why do I even care about it this much?
I’m not the only sick...
I just wanted to write you while I’m not insanely manic and apologize as well. I learned a lot from the experience. Please just know that I’m very lovey dovey with everyone I actually give two shits about. Also, I’m past this moment so no worries.
It’s mostly out of my system now, but about what’s happening in this country… I don’t think I’m...
March 2013
6 posts
fearfortheflesh:
I traded my insomnia for a love of the night Insecure fucking for passionate affairs An empty void for a land of imagination Hours of loneliness for paper and pens My illness for an opportunity to grow The fear in my eyes for a sinister smile All expectations for the joy of the moment
I’m not a poet but it’s an interesting thought…
“Life’s splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its...”
– Franz Kafka (1883-1924), German novelist, short-story writer. The Diaries of Franz Kafka: 1910-1923, entry for October 18, 1921, ed. Max Brod (1948).
I think I reached a state of nirvana over the past couple of months… A state of peace, being at one with the universe despite all outside circumstances. It was wonderfully blissful, but I couldn’t stay there. I could remain there the rest of my years, but in doing so, I would accomplish nothing. Entering nirvana eternally would be as if entering death. What is the point in being...
Write write write… Okay… I’ve been doing well the past few days, but I just had a major mood swing. Almost instantaneous. These happen sometimes. The difference between now and then is that now I know it will pass. I will feel better in a couple hours and in the meantime, I can write! No razors, no drugs… Just paper and a pen. Yeah.
And I need this sometimes… I like chaos! I can’t stand to always...
February 2013
11 posts
1 tag
Thoughts on Psychology
I’m not sure why I’ve been journalling here so much lately… I should be doing more reading and actual thought out writing… I’ve been feeling fucky, probably the time of the month. Whatever, moving on…
I’ve always taken quite an interest in psychology. I find it fascinating to understand how people think and why they behave the way they do… It also...
Joe and Stephen
It’s probably very foolish of me to be talking to Joe and planning to meet up with him… I don’t want to date or fuck him, I just want to catch up with him because I actually DO care about him for some reason. I met him in a hospital and he suffers from BPD like me and he’s homeless, so he has had it worse than me. I have a soft spot with wanting to be there for people and...
Note: recent events
I want to say something about this or I might sound like a heartless motherfucker…
Stephen played a hand in my suicide attempts in 2011. I was already close to going over the edge… I was his friend and then he started to dislike me, so he spread a lot of nasty rumors, harassed me, felt the need to be EVERYWHERE I ever wanted to be so I was forced to always stay home… He is not a...
“Honesty, fairness, and integrity are mighty weapons. More people need to...”
– Harley (via fearfortheflesh)
Satisfaction
So that guy who posted that nasty letter on facebook? Yeah, I wrote him one last letter… This time, I said exactly what I wanted to. I was completely honest and wasn’t simply fucking around trying to see if I could piss him off… Hopefully this one gets my point across. I’m satisfied now, though. I think I can let it go finally. If he does any more, I won’t retaliate. I said my piece. Instead, I’ll...
Oh yeah... Conversation with grandmother and new...
There are a couple more things I want to talk about… Triggering again.
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I’ve been very short with my family today, but I can’t help it when I’m not feeling well or if I’m tired. I can be a fucking bitch sometimes.
But shortly after I woke up and was heading into my room with something to eat, my grandma just casually brought up something about talking to my...
Just because... (triggering)
Just going to write whatever… This will probably just be a long ramble and I’ll probably talk about some fucked up things because I’m in that mood… I know only a couple people even know about this blog, but I hope there aren’t harsh judgments about some of this… Shit gets rough at times & I’m trying hard now.
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By the way, about the prostitution thing, I never meant...
Dissociation, Otep's tour, and sex
I’ll probably journal here more now that I’m using my physical journal for actual creative writing…
This entry will be quite sexually explicit, probably… Just so ya know.
[[MORE]]
I’m dissociating again… This happens A LOT, especially since I got back on the adderall. My psychiatrist didn’t really do anything to help with it… He told me to just...
Life Update/Ponderings
I haven’t been writing here that much… I should make a journal entry… A random, not thought out one.
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I know there are only about two people who even look at this blog, which is how I like it… But if you’re wondering about the letter, I do sometimes like to write random letters to people… I have a lot of them. Eases my loneliness, I guess. Most of them...
“What a person is for himself, what abides with him in his loneliness and...”
– ― Arthur Schopenhauer
January 2013
3 posts
Aching for Relief
(Yes, the concept of a shadow man came from Otep’s lyrics, but it stuck in my mind and I use it in my own way sometimes in writing now. This is experimental since I don’t usually write this way. I’m trying to learn about myself more and how I like to write.)
The Shadow Man has many faces and he dwells in many secret places. There is no true escape. He is cunning and always lusts for...
To give an idea of what I went through in 2010 when I was with my ex, here’s a story about him:
http://www.mlive.com/news/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2008/08/couple_charged_for_stabbing_ma.html
And here are some photos from his shitty band’s page:
http://kingdomzx.com/photo/photo/listForContributor?screenName=0ot8gr1nkqrl4&xg_source=activity
I’ll let you guess the rest…
...
fearfortheflesh:
2010: The year of self-destruction 2011: The year of sorrow 2012: The year of discovery 2013: The year of transformation
December 2012
26 posts
Every day, I think I should do these things
I’m still isolated in my house without a job or friends, but I can start making improvements now…
Eat healthy
Drink a cup of green tea
Exercise
Talk to someone
Read
Write, draw, or make something
Laugh
Allowing myself to feel things is fucking hard and painful.
But I guess it’s not as bad as constantly being numb and then out of nowhere going into crisis mode.
I just need to keep telling myself I’m strong and that I can handle it, then maybe I can build endurance.
Emotional Nightmare?
You know, ever since I stopped the substances and decided to take steps towards recovery, I’ve been an emotional wreck. I had two mental breakdowns today and one yesterday, yet was also a point where I was ecstatic. I’ve been on such a roller coaster lately… I never used to even be able to cry, now I’m doing it over the smallest fucking things. I’m kind-of embarrassed...
This was a very difficult Christmas, but I’m proud of myself.
For the past few years, I haven’t seen anyone on Christmas. I’ve been way too ashamed of my mental deterioration and how much weight I’ve gained and the fact I don’t have any decent clothes right now. I forced myself to go, anyway.
I had a good time at my dad’s and his family wants me to come around...
I notice that sometimes when I get happy or excited, I become ecstatic and reach a very high point, and then it just crashes and I go into a horrible state of despair. Then, I go numb. I stop making facial expressions. I mentally check out. My voice becomes flat.
And even though I’m numb, I still feel this deep emptiness…
In this state, I can just sit and stare at the wall for hours...
That was a bloody bath…
This is why I don’t like holidays. They stress me out and I always end up with scars.
I said I’d quit the drugs. Never said anything about cutting.
...Can I even do this?
I have a lot of irrational fears, especially about people and abandonment. Like with Otep and how much she interacts with her fans, I get super paranoid sometimes. “Did that sound stupid? Did that sound really awkward and weird? Is she going to start to not like me or hate me!?” I guess that thought just frightens me because of how much I appreciate her, and also there have been many...
The scars still sting and dark thoughts ring There’s eggs beneath my skin And as they hatch, I feel the scratch Of mutants deep within
Under their cowls, I sense their scowls They plot for my demise But as they sleep, I hear them weep For fate shall soon give rise
Idk… That’s the intro I wrote in my new journal. Hopefully it foreshadows whatever comes next. That’s the first time I’ve written a...
fearfortheflesh:
suicidehurts said: I love you too <3 you’re strange & funny & awesome!
bshw said: Love you too, sweetheart <3 Keep healing, we’re all cheering you on.
metalbandsandfaultyplans said: Glad I could help (however small a part) and I think I speak for everyone when I say I genuinely would be friends with you if the proximity was right!
You guys are great. <3
“Well, fear of that which we don’t understand is kind of universal, as are...”
– SurgikalBioGraft
“Same sound, it’s the same sting
It’s the same collapse of everything
It’s the...”
– Otep, Wurd Becomes Flesh (via fearfortheflesh)
