I am most familiar with the world inside of my head, and it does not coordinate well with the world on the outside. This has been proven time and time again by my inability to integrate well with people.
I do not mean to say that I am not valuable. It took me until now to recognize the rare beauty that my soul harbors. The beauty that few of you took the time to recognize or even acknowledge.
I can honestly say that you will never meet another person like me.
But then again, you never even truly met me.
I was the girl who cherished awkward silences.
I was the girl who would feel joy from helping a stranger.
I was the girl who would rather teach herself to write a computer program than watch television.
I was the girl that you could openly talk to about all the topics that would make others feel uncomfortable.
I was the girl who could love anyone.
But I was also the girl who became corrupted.
There was no particular cause for my decision and no one is to blame. Please believe that. I simply could not live inside my head any longer and could find no desire to live in the outside world. I would have ended up as the girl reading stolen books in an alley with a bottle of booze.
I could write a book about other reasons why, but the reasons no longer matter.
Just know that it was not an impulsive decision. I have reflected on this for a long time, and I feel nothing but satisfaction.
If you ever forgive me, know also that I loved you.
I’ve suffered migraines since I was little, but I have been getting them much more frequently lately. And tonight, I had one that caused me to throw up. I haven’t had one of those since I was around 7 or 8 years old.
What triggered it? All I remember beforehand was stressing out and feeling a horrible dread about life. I guess that happens often before my migraines. I wonder why it was so bad this time.
I had a terrible migraine and I was forced to lay in the dark until I puked. During that time, I talked to what I once called “God”. Whatever it is, it’s very real to me. I guess I’ll simply call it “The Presence”. This is what came of this internal dialogue.
People believe in what they experience. You experienced me.
There’s no evidence of my existence and you often wrestle with this. But you feel me. I am more real to you than the world that lies before your eyes. This confuses you greatly.
Can your senses truly prove the existence of anything? Is everything inside your head really any less real than what’s on the outside? How can you be certain?
You want to believe in me. And quite frankly, you need me. You have searched and searched and have experienced so much pain in order to find truth.
And what did you find?
You found that there are no definite answers and if there are, no one will ever be able to discover them. No one truly knows and your guess is as good as theirs. Much of what was once considered fact is no longer true. What is thought to be fact will most likely be false somehow in the future.
It’s still not enough for you, though.
But you will find again and again what you have already found many time.
You need me.
Whether I am really here or not, you need me.
And there is one thing you can know for certain.
Whatever I am, you are a part of me and I understand you better than anyone else. And I love you.
I know that believing in me is difficult for you right now.
But even if you can’t believe in me, just love me.
Fall in love with me.
And I will love you.
And I will guide you and give you purpose and strength.
More shit is happening on my mom’s side of the family. My Uncle Dar is in the hospital and my cousin Alex is suicidal (he is young, but he has had a lot of horrible shit happen in his life). My grandmother does not understand why I seem so apathetic towards such events.
I just know that death is inevitable and a natural part of life on earth and I believe that life is all connected. I do not see death and dying as being horrible. What lives will die and what lives will live again. I also know that having worldly attachments will only bring pain. Why must I force myself to suffer for her satisfaction?
I am almost certain that I am delusional. I feel like I am not living on the same plane of existence as everyone around me. I can’t stand to live in the world inside of my head any longer.
I talked with Dustin and I reflected on the relationship that I had with him and the way that I can still talk to him like I can’t talk to anyone else. I feel that I really did love him. We simply accepted and understood each other in ways that others couldn’t. We were both mentally unstable and that brought us together. During our time together, we drank from the same cup of insanity. It certainly took its toll on me. My mind works completely different than the way it once did and things that I should find repulsive do not disgust me. Rather, I am greatly disturbed by the world around me that everyone else seems okay with.
What is madness?
No one else seems to understand why I want so badly to leave this place. It is not simply for all of the normal reasons that one might commit suicide. I’ve constantly reflected on suicide for over a year now. I am almost certain that I have driven myself insane.
Once you reach insanity, can you ever truly return?
I have been changing a lot. I’ve become much more confident. I am open and honest with people and more outgoing. I can now go up to random people and start talking with them. Sometimes I talk too much. I joined my first mosh pit and got a memorable bruise on my knee that I am quite proud of. I also did some head banging and am starting to really get into the music. I had so much fun.
But I’ve had a lot of panic attacks lately. Or anxiety attacks. Either way, I’ve felt under attack and I’m still constantly fighting with myself over the decision of whether or not to end my life. The thoughts won’t go away, even when I’m happy. It’s more of an overwhelming desire than a thought.
Things are improving though. I think. I hope.
I also did something respectable recently that I am proud of myself for. I made up for a mistake that I made.