I’ve realized many times that I’m a very strange person, and if I act like myself, some people will love me and others will think I’m a freak. I like making everything funny for myself and saying weird shit to people just to get weird reactions from them. It’s fun.
Anway though, when I’m drinking or on something, everything I think comes out. I’m able to express myself in ways I’m not able to sober. It’s why I like getting fucked up.
If I was able to be myself all the time, I’d be so much happier. Why won’t I let me be myself?
I always see posts like “so and so dumped me and wouldn’t give me a chance or even try” and other posts that seem to put everything on the dumper and nothing on the dumpee. It can be just as difficult to be the one dumping, especially when you still love that person.
When you really love someone and give them a fair shot and once considered them your best friend, it’s really hard to let them go no matter how badly they may have hurt you. It’s really hard to have someone you trust betray you and take advantage of you.
I’ve been talking to him recently and have had some really good conversations with him. He still seems to think he can get me back or at least get me to have sex with him. It’s not going to happen though. I am just making it harder on myself by talking to him. I need to stop. I just haven’t had good conversations with people in my actual life recently. At least not the kind where I didn’t want to get off the phone. I secretly wait for him to call me sometimes. Not good.
People still don’t understand why I was ever with him. I guess we just clicked pretty well and I felt like I could talk to him very easily. (It could be because he never shuts up.) Everyone else disliked him, thought he was weird, and was afraid of him. So it was just me and him for a while. Being with him was like being bipolar though. With all of his drug habits and craziness, we had a lot of major ups and downs. I don’t know why I dealt with him for so long. I guess I just had a lot of fun and I liked the ups of our relationship.
He’s like a disease though. I don’t know how easy it will be to get rid of him when he gets out. I hope I don’t struggle with it.
My ex and I actually did a few weird adventures like in my last post. We drove to a random town in no specific direction. We went through a bunch of Amish towns in Indiana and wound up at Warsaw. We stayed in a cheap motel for two nights and saw the lakes and ate at fast food places we’ve never heard of. And we went to random fishing stores and he taught me about fishing. Then we stopped and played with puppies on the way back and checked out an Amish grocery store. They thought we were so weird because we didn’t even buy anything.
I had a lot of spontaneous adventures with that guy. Not all of them were good and some of them were scary as shit. At least they were memorable though. Shit.
Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk. This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy. Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude. Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people. On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public. Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone. Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird. Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds. Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun. Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts. Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.
If I want to get anywhere, these things need improvement. A lot of them tie in together.
Depression Social anxiety Guilt and shame Diet Exercise Sleep schedule Social life Organization Personal responsibility Motivation Laziness Over-sensitivity Lack of focus Self-hatred Self-confidence Bitterness
That’s what I’m trying to tell myself. The more I explore the reasons why I am this way, the more complicated it seems to get, and the more crucial it seems that I start dealing with it now. I’m not getting any younger. It just intimidates me a lot. I’m realizing though that I’m the only one who can change my direction. Unfortunately, it’s going to take a lot of hard work. I’m just trying to find enough motivation to put in the right effort without letting fear get in my way.
I’m stuck between the desire to get better and an intense urge to just off myself. I find that the more I want to do that though, the more I realize just how crucial it is that I start dealing with this seriously. I don’t necessarily want to die, I just feel incapable of living a normal healthy life where I’m not miserable. I’m very depressed, I have extreme social anxiety to the point where I can’t hold normal conversations, I’m haunted by my past, I have bad ADD, very low self-esteem, and I’m just extremely lazy. I feel that it all ties in together and it runs very deep.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and identifying and trying to understand just what caused me to get into this position. The more I do this, the more I realize just how difficult it will be for me to overcome this.
Every once in a while, I feel like I can make it and turn my life around. I keep reaching the same conclusion over and over again though. I really think I am going to do it. My dad told me before he’d help me get a gun for shooting and self-defense, but I wouldn’t take one from him. I might use my check money to buy one.
I was so loving and caring towards everyone and always wanted to help people and make them feel better. Over the past year, that sort-of just deteriorated. I learned the world wasn’t quite so friendly. Pain really changed me and now I have a general disgust towards everyone. I really don’t like that. I feel like I’ve been stripped of the essence of who I am as a person. I want to go back to who I used to be, only not quite so naive.
After all the events that have happened in the past couple of years, I feel like I’m a completely different person and all of my old goals feel irrelevant. I’m not as sweet, naive, and innocent as I used to be. I’m very curious about girls and my sexuality now. My beliefs have changed and I don’t even know what I believe anymore. I don’t feel ready for college yet. I don’t think I’m responsible enough yet to pull myself through it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a lot of figuring out yet and I’m not getting any younger. Being where I am now, I constantly feel like I’m being judged by the people in my life and my family and I feel weighed down by guilt. I also know that I have a lot of growing up to do and as long as my family is being so supportive, I’m not going to learn any responsibility. I want to break away and meet new people. I want to figure out who I am.
The only reason I’m still here is because my family loves me so much. It’s the only thing really stopping me. I really don’t want to be here though. I hate this place. I hate the people. Society just disgusts me. So much. I don’t want to be a part of it. I have no motivation. Most of the time I’m hurting. I’m a lazy bitch and I always have been. I’m not going anywhere in life unless that changes, and I can’t seem to find it within myself to change. I need a miracle of some sort or I’ll probably be gone sooner or later.
All those dreams, wishes, and desires you have for your life will never become your reality if you don’t put in the effort to make them so. Nothing happens if you don’t make it happen! What’s holding you back? Really, in all honesty what is holding you back from making them your reality? What is keeping you from being the you that you imagine yourself to be. You can’t wait for the future to unfold before you live the life you want.
The future, your future is created with each present day you live. It’s not some static place you will end up in. You have to build it with your thoughts, actions, and words. You have to do the work. Give it your time, and make the effort. You just have to love. You can’t keep standing at the sideline of your life. That’s not how it was meant to be. That is not how it should be. You and I both know you are more than a wallflower. You can be whoever and whatever you choose to be or not be. It is up to you, love. Please stop sitting your life out. Please stop being scared to test the waters. You can just dip your toes in until you’ve found the courage to swim.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Being with a guy really just doesn’t appeal to me right now. It’s true that part of the reason is because I’ve been hurt so many times by guys, but that isn’t all there is to it. I’ve been there and done that and I’d like something new. I find myself looking at girls much more often than guys now. I get crushes on girls much more easily now than guys. The thought of being with a girl excites me and almost makes me feel like a virgin again because it’s so new to me. I also feel like I have a hard time trusting men now and I think it would be easier for me to open up to a girl.
If the right guy happens to come along, that’s great. In the meantime though, I think I might start looking and considering what I never have before.
She deleted her facebook and I no longer have her number. I think about her often and I really miss her. I haven’t seen or talked to her in ages, but I care about that girl a lot. I wish I hadn’t been too afraid to kiss her when I had the chance. I really hope she is doing alright.
I’m so much more comfortable in my room, away from everyone else. It seems like every time I go out, I feel drained and normally more depressed. I’m afraid of letting other people see me. I may not be happy, but I’m happier isolated than around other people. Why can’t they just leave me alone? I live my social life on the internet and I only want to interact and spend time with the people who I am close to. (That isn’t very many people.) Most people make me feel uncomfortable. I just want to be in my room, by myself.