August 2011
60 posts
I have enough money to do it now. It would supposedly be painless and easy.
Dammit.
July 2011
62 posts
1 tag
I’m thinking about it again. It would be so easy to do.
8 tags
4 tags
Every time I feel like I can turn my life around and start to do so for a few days, it always comes to an end. I become disturbed again and my sleeping schedule becomes screwy. I become scared and I start doubting myself and I lose willpower. I want to change my thought processes, but I’ve become so comfortable in them. Everything else seems so foreign.
I feel like that time in gym class my...
My friend, Jon asked me why I wasn’t at a show to see a certain band. I was not planning on going to that show because the people there don’t like me because of stupid shit I have done in the past. I texted my friend Meagan though who I thought was there, and suddenly I got a text from some number I don’t know saying, “You are not welcome here.” And then he went on to say other things that hurt...
“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity.”
– T. H. Huxley (via sociallyawkward4life)
Death
I do not pity the dead. The dead are free of sorrow, pain, and suffering. They have no worries or cares. Instead, I pity the living who constantly chase after meaningless things that will never truly satisfy them. I believe the only truly satisfying reward that life offers is death. Some are gifted with it early on while the less fortunate are forced to suffer longer, although perhaps the longer...
Even after deciding once again to move forward with my life, my mind cannot help but wonder whether or not it’s really worth it. The more I read and study and attempt to find true meaning, the more disappointed I become. I try to think rationally, but as I try to look at the deeper parts of life from a rational viewpoint, the more my hopes and dreams seem to fall apart. Life as it is in this...
“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love...”
– Arthur Schopenhauer
Joy will come.
I took a few steps today to improve. I’ve said before that I can’t continue living with the way things are. I had once made the decision to kill myself, and I really do believe I would have done it if I hadn’t been completely broke when I made that decision.
A few things have changed though. I still desire so badly to do it and I still think about it every day.
I’ve come...
God
The thing that I have struggled with the most over the past year is my concept of and belief in God. Almost all of my life, I believed in him more than I believed in anything else. To me, he was more real than the air I breathed and my relationship with him was more real than any other relationship I’ve ever had. For me, there was a being who knew my every thought and understood me better...
You can't disturb the already disturbed.
Is something still considered unwise if you are...
“There’s simply too much about this existence that we can never understand or...”
– Nick Butcher, Comment about South Park
All of the things that disgust you happen on a...
Sometimes it amazes me just how many lies people are living and how corrupt this planet actually is. It simply disgusts me, and I really just don’t want to be a part of it. Human nature is just sick and cruel. There are so many things that should never happen that happen on a daily basis to so many people. People get molested. tortured and mutilated… They starve to death while those...
There are days now when I am no longer miserable. Strangely though, I still dream of dying. The thought of it brings a smile to my face. I want more than anything to leave this world and move on to the next, whatever that may be, whether it exists or not. I want to find out.
I feel this world doesn’t have enough to offer. I want to offer wisdom, and then leave this place.
2 tags
sociallyawkward4life:
It’s crazy how you always feel fat until you put on more weight. Then you look at old photos and think you were skinny.
Why can’t we just be happy with ourselves!?
My grandparents don’t think I’m making any progress and my grandmother keeps bringing it up. I think they’re wrong. They may not see the progress I’m making because it’s all internal. I feel that before I can really accomplish anything in the external world, I need to first build and repair myself internally.
Before, I was simply decaying. Now I believe something...
Hikikomori
I was amazed to find that there were people all over the place in Japan suffering from exactly what I’m suffering from. Social isolation in the form of locking myself in my room and not coming out for long periods of time. (Sometimes a couple weeks, and when I do come out, it’s a one time thing and then I stay in my room for a couple more.)
It just upsets me that when I read people...
1 tag
Wit Beyond Measure: Hikikomori →
Hikikomori (ひきこもり or 引き籠もり Hikikomori?, literally “pulling away, being confined”, i.e., “acute social withdrawal”) is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive people who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. While many people feel the pressures of the outside...
My ex is coming home soon after a year.
He keeps trying to convince me to hang out with him and started getting angry last time we talked.
He said, “You probably just don’t want to hang out because you can’t resist me. You probably know you’ll start having old feelings come back and want me back.”
Umm, I hate to admit it, but he’s right on target. That, and the fact that he is manipulative,...
Me: My friendship slots are all filled, sorry.
Them: Why, how many friends do you have?
Me: Umm, none.
I had another epiphany.
I have a new belief now. It’s one that I’ve been thinking about for at least a year on and off and I now believe it to be true. Of course, I can never truly know for sure whether it actually is or not, but that’s how it is for everything. I definitely like this new perspective, though.
I now believe that everyone is really just one being manifesting...
Today, my grandmother asked if I was pregnant and said I look like I am.
I wanted to smack her.
I know I’m getting a belly, but you don’t need to comment on it, thank you.
I always feel more at ease when it’s raining. I feel as if the sky understands.
I go to sleep to escape, but then my dreams always haunt me. They always seem to take my worst fears and make them a reality until I wake up.
At night I say, “The world is asleep. I can relax my mind until morning.” But then morning comes before I am prepared, my mind remains as if it’s still night, and I accomplish nothing.
I hate time with a passion.
3 tags
all things psychology.: Avoidant Personality... →
A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
(1) avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
(2) is unwilling to get...
4 tags
Avoidant personality disorder →
Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus (although in some situations, this applies)
Avoids interpersonal relationships
Feelings of inadequacy
Severe low...
Self-Imposed Isolation
I’m a hikikomori.
I don’t even trust friendships.
I’d rather be completely alone than risk being hurt or hurting anyone else.
My fears and emotions override rationality.
I changed my mind. I’m going to do it as soon as I have money.
Let’s see if I can follow through this time.
How am I supposed to forget my past when it’s the only thing these people know me by?
I have to get out of here.
My family wonders why I prefer to sleep all day and stay up all night. I just prefer to be up when they’re asleep because that way they don’t talk to me. When they talk to me, it is usually about things I don’t care about or they are lecturing me. I am a loner. I like to be ALONE. It is nothing against them, that is just how I am with everyone. They all feel betrayed and like I...
I was supposed to be dead by now.
It’s strange how my latest regret is not killing myself. I spent all of my money so that I wouldn’t be able to. I wish I hadn’t done that.
I called the suicide hotline and talked to a nice lady. I feel a little better.
I’m just so scared to keep living though.
Partying saved my life tonight.
My grandparents are going to be pissed because I spent my money on a party, sort-of ish. There were only 7 or so people here, but I didn’t mean for there to even be that many. It was originally supposed to be me, Meagan, and Megan. Then she asked if one more person could come, then one more. And then one of them invited more people and I was pissed off at him about it. I knew I...
The Intellectual Hippie
This was my result on another test I took.
“You love to help people, but usually find unconventional and subtle ways of doing it. You’re fascinated by what the human mind is capable of creating, and seek the world for moments to enrich your life. You love psychology and philosophy. Your respect for all living beings makes you a humble and likeable person, and the biggest...
I took a strange test and got this result.
Thoughtful to the extreme, you are often obsessed with perfection and the rules governing your own personal interests. Your world is black and white. You love to work within a logical system, such as language, computer programming, or mathematics. Manipulating a system that can be completely understood is a distinct pleasure to you, because of your confidence in the underlying veracity of your...
A Loner
I am definitely a loner… Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing… Maybe I’m not as defective as I thought I was. The more I research about other people who are loners, the more I recognize the vast potential within myself as being one. Maybe I need to start loving myself as a loner instead of trying to change it.
“I had told people of my intention to be alone for a time. At once I realized...”
“People who take the time to be alone usually have depth, originality, and quiet...”
– John Miller
“I am not a joiner. Somewhere I once said that people join clubs now for the very...”
– Rod McKuen, Alone
“Being a loner is not about hate, but need: We need what others dread. We dread...”
“We do not require company. The opposite: in varying degrees, it bores us, drains...”
