Every time I feel like I can turn my life around and start to do so for a few days, it always comes to an end. I become disturbed again and my sleeping schedule becomes screwy. I become scared and I start doubting myself and I lose willpower. I want to change my thought processes, but I’ve become so comfortable in them. Everything else seems so foreign.
I feel like that time in gym class my freshman year when we had to rollerblade around the gym for the whole class period. For some reason, I just couldn’t get the hang of it. I kept falling over and over again until my knees became really bruised and everyone was laughing at me.
At least you can’t fall if you’re already on the ground.
And at least if you’re alone, nobody is there to laugh.
My friend, Jon asked me why I wasn’t at a show to see a certain band. I was not planning on going to that show because the people there don’t like me because of stupid shit I have done in the past. I texted my friend Meagan though who I thought was there, and suddenly I got a text from some number I don’t know saying, “You are not welcome here.” And then he went on to say other things that hurt me.
"Everybody knows what you are."
I’m pretty sure I know who it was. I just don’t understand why he has to be an asshole to me. I never have been to him. I already have incredibly low self-esteem. I mean, I know I have done a lot of stupid things, but it isn’t like they’ve ever attempted to get to know me beyond that.
I know I have a lot of good qualities that most people never know about. The ones who do get to know me well usually value my qualities a lot because they are hard to find in people. I’m sick of being the outcast that everyone avoids. It’s always been that way since elementary school, and it seems unfair to me.
I’m already in a worse enough condition without their help.
I do not pity the dead. The dead are free of sorrow, pain, and suffering. They have no worries or cares. Instead, I pity the living who constantly chase after meaningless things that will never truly satisfy them. I believe the only truly satisfying reward that life offers is death. Some are gifted with it early on while the less fortunate are forced to suffer longer, although perhaps the longer we endure, the more rewarding death will be. To commit suicide is to cheat and take away its true value.
Think about it, death is the only sure thing there is in life. I prefer to view it as a reward rather than a curse.
"Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love." -Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Even after deciding once again to move forward with my life, my mind cannot help but wonder whether or not it’s really worth it. The more I read and study and attempt to find true meaning, the more disappointed I become. I try to think rationally, but as I try to look at the deeper parts of life from a rational viewpoint, the more my hopes and dreams seem to fall apart. Life as it is in this world seems much too mundane to ever satisfy me.
We work so hard for so long for a few seconds of satisfaction before we once again become unsatisfied. I just don’t understand the point.
Optimism to me would be to say, “Today, I am one day closer to dying.”
Perhaps a motivation for me would be to think that death is something to be earned.
I took a few steps today to improve. I’ve said before that I can’t continue living with the way things are. I had once made the decision to kill myself, and I really do believe I would have done it if I hadn’t been completely broke when I made that decision.
A few things have changed though. I still desire so badly to do it and I still think about it every day.
I’ve come to the conclusion, though, that doing that would be a major waste. I’ve spent so much time trying to find out more about myself, and I’ve realized that I have a huge amount of potential that I haven’t even scratched the surface of. I have a very unique way of thinking and I really am beginning to believe that I could bring a new light into this world that few have witnessed.
The thing that I have struggled with the most over the past year is my concept of and belief in God. Almost all of my life, I believed in him more than I believed in anything else. To me, he was more real than the air I breathed and my relationship with him was more real than any other relationship I’ve ever had. For me, there was a being who knew my every thought and understood me better than I understood myself. He believed in me and loved me no matter what I did. He brought me comfort, strength, and the great feeling that I was never alone. He was a part of me and my reason to live.
When I stopped believing in God, it was like my whole world shattered. Every relationship I have been in that has ended has been painful, but none of them were quite like this. It was as if my best friend and love of my life had not only died, but never even existed. This has been a main source of my misery.
I’ve noticed something, though. Even though I no longer think there is a God, I sometimes still feel his presence and sometimes I’ll still talk to him. During those times, I once again feel loved, comforted, and alive. How can I feel this if he’s not there?
Our minds can do amazing things. Most likely, mine has just created a being that exists nowhere but in my head, but my mind responds to it like it would another person, only the emotional responses are actually more intense.
I really believe there is an objective reality that no one will ever be able to truly and correctly grasp, and there is a subjective reality that differs from each and every person. Ultimately, subjective reality is of much greater importance than objective because it is the one that most effects our lives.
In a sense, God DOES exist and he always will because he’s in my heart and has affected my life more than anyone else.
I just wish I could fully accept that so that he can come back into my life.
I miss him and could really use his love and support.
"It’s all real. Think about it. Haven’t Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he… he’s had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny and, a-and Superman and Harry Potter. They’ve changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn’t that make them kind of “real.” They might be imaginary, but, but they’re more important than most of us here. And they’re all gonna be around long after we’re dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.”
-Kyle Broflovski’s Imaginationland Speech, South Park
Besides, learning that God doesn’t exist anywhere but inside my head has taught me something: All those times God changed my life, I was actually the one changing my own life. That means I must have more in me than I thought I did.
“There’s simply too much about this existence that we can never understand or even prove, so why let it get you down so much? In life, you can cry about the state of things, or you can get a laugh out of it.”—Nick Butcher, Comment about South Park
Sometimes it amazes me just how many lies people are living and how corrupt this planet actually is. It simply disgusts me, and I really just don’t want to be a part of it. Human nature is just sick and cruel. There are so many things that should never happen that happen on a daily basis to so many people. People get molested. tortured and mutilated… They starve to death while those living in luxury laugh. The most horrible things imaginable actually happen, and nobody lifts a finger to fix it. The majority just look away.
There are days now when I am no longer miserable. Strangely though, I still dream of dying. The thought of it brings a smile to my face. I want more than anything to leave this world and move on to the next, whatever that may be, whether it exists or not. I want to find out.
I feel this world doesn’t have enough to offer. I want to offer wisdom, and then leave this place.
My grandparents don’t think I’m making any progress and my grandmother keeps bringing it up. I think they’re wrong. They may not see the progress I’m making because it’s all internal. I feel that before I can really accomplish anything in the external world, I need to first build and repair myself internally.
Before, I was simply decaying. Now I believe something else is finally beginning to take root and grow.
Maybe I just need some nurturing. But how do I find that when I work so hard to keep everyone out?
I was amazed to find that there were people all over the place in Japan suffering from exactly what I’m suffering from. Social isolation in the form of locking myself in my room and not coming out for long periods of time. (Sometimes a couple weeks, and when I do come out, it’s a one time thing and then I stay in my room for a couple more.)
It just upsets me that when I read people talking about it online, they say things like, “I would love to be a hikikomori! I would just do whatever I want all day, every day and never worry about other people!”
It just disgusts me… As if I WANT to be this way! Locking yourself in your room because you’re afraid of people is extremely lonely and shameful. I feel like everyone is looking down on me for it. Why would you ever want this?
Hikikomori (ひきこもり or 引き籠もり Hikikomori?, literally “pulling away, being confined”, i.e., “acute social withdrawal”) is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive people who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. While many people feel the pressures of the outside world, hikikomori react by complete social withdrawal. In some cases, they lock themselves in their room, apartment or house for prolonged periods, sometimes measured in years. They usually have few, if any, friends.
I have a new belief now. It’s one that I’ve been thinking about for at least a year on and off and I now believe it to be true. Of course, I can never truly know for sure whether it actually is or not, but that’s how it is for everything. I definitely like this new perspective, though.
I now believe that everyone is really just one being manifesting itself in many forms. It’s like islands that are seemingly separate, but are actually one beneath the water. We are all different on a conscious level, but below our consciousness and perhaps even our sub-conscious, we are all one.
And the daily conflict between different people is really just a physical manifestation of the conflict within ourselves (myself, technically?).
Since I have started thinking this way, it has been easier to connect and appreciate other people. I can see everything in a new light. A new sense of freedom. And when I die, I will still be alive in other people.
A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
(1) avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
(2) is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
(3) shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
(4) is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
(5) is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
(6) views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
(7) is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
My family wonders why I prefer to sleep all day and stay up all night. I just prefer to be up when they’re asleep because that way they don’t talk to me. When they talk to me, it is usually about things I don’t care about or they are lecturing me. I am a loner. I like to be ALONE. It is nothing against them, that is just how I am with everyone. They all feel betrayed and like I don’t like them. That’s not true. I just don’t like people in general and am much happier when I don’t talk to anyone. Why can’t they just accept that?
My grandparents are going to be pissed because I spent my money on a party, sort-of ish. There were only 7 or so people here, but I didn’t mean for there to even be that many. It was originally supposed to be me, Meagan, and Megan. Then she asked if one more person could come, then one more. And then one of them invited more people and I was pissed off at him about it. I knew I shouldn’t have had him over, so why did I let him?
Anyway, I ended up spending money on party-like stuff… I feel horrible about it, but I know I can probably get it back. And besides, doing that kind-of saved my life for now.
I was seriously intending to buy a mini party helium balloon tank tomorrow. Now I don’t have enough money for one, and by the time I get money for one now, my grandparents will be home. Fuck.
Now I’m going to be in trouble… But then I guess I’ll be alive a little longer.
"You love to help people, but usually find unconventional and subtle ways of doing it. You’re fascinated by what the human mind is capable of creating, and seek the world for moments to enrich your life. You love psychology and philosophy. Your respect for all living beings makes you a humble and likeable person, and the biggest reward is when you get to impart your knowledge to those around you."
Thoughtful to the extreme, you are often obsessed with perfection and the rules governing your own personal interests. Your world is black and white. You love to work within a logical system, such as language, computer programming, or mathematics. Manipulating a system that can be completely understood is a distinct pleasure to you, because of your confidence in the underlying veracity of your belief system. Because of your appreciation for logic and order(at least not in the physical world), those who speak or think in a sloppy manner are apt to generate more than their share of wrath. Although very amiable, you are not drawn to friendships out of a sense of personal need. You are just as happy by yourself with a good book or puzzle. Because you are so involved with thought, you will on occasion have difficulty dealing with the day-to-day problems of a normal life. Taking out the trash, doing the dishes, these are often left until the last possible moment, if at all.
I am definitely a loner… Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing… Maybe I’m not as defective as I thought I was. The more I research about other people who are loners, the more I recognize the vast potential within myself as being one. Maybe I need to start loving myself as a loner instead of trying to change it.
“I had told people of my intention to be alone for a time. At once I realized they looked upon this declaration as a rejection of them and their company. I felt apologetic, even ashamed, that I would have wanted such a curious thing as solitude, and then sorry that I had made a point of announcing my desire for it. … To the spouse, or the long-time companion, or the family, and to the social circle, as it is called, the decision to be alone for any length of time is dangerous, threatening, a sign of rejection. … Having never felt the need to be alone themselves, having always lived happily in relationships, they looked upon my need as eccentric, even somewhat mad. But more than that, they saw it as fraudulent, an excuse to be rid of them rather than a desperate need to explore myself.”—
“I am not a joiner. Somewhere I once said that people join clubs now for the very reason they once carried them, a need for security. Maybe I’m alone more often than I should be, because I try to find security within myself.”—Rod McKuen, Alone