The Hikikomori

The three things I wanted from you were your friendship, a cuddling session, and a kiss. You have given me all three. But you have also given me much more than that, and you have no idea. You have also:

• Given me hope in my life that I needed very badly.
• Shown me that I actually am capable of falling for someone who is a kind and caring individual.
• Taught me how to take things in small doses and enjoy them.
• Shown me that I’m capable of reaching my goals.
• Taught me how to be satisfied with the way things are.
• Reminded me that love can come in many forms.
• Given me something that makes me smile, even when I’m down in the dumps.
• Unknowingly encouraged me to keep moving forward.

I wish I could somehow tell or show you just what this all means to me. Sometimes it feels bittersweet, but it is the best bittersweet I have tasted in a very long time.

I can understand why you are so angry with me right now and I will admit forthright that what I did was wrong and I am sorry that you are so hurt by it.

However, there are a few things that I pray you will come to realize and understand.

I hope that you will find the courage to leave this man, no matter how much you may feel that you love and need him. Love should be shown in actions, not words. A man who is willing to fuck your friend without the slightest remorse is not someone who deserves you. I know that you know this, and I want you to find courage somehow.

I also hope that you will once again be my friend sometime down the road. I know I wronged you, and I know that you will find it hard to trust me. But I hope you can understand that what I did was out of character for me, that I felt very remorseful afterwards, that I tried to fix my mistake the best I could, and that I really am not a bad friend despite making a big mistake. I care about you. Outside of this, haven’t I always been good to you?

I hope you can also come to understand just why I did it in the first place. What I did cannot be truly justified, but there is reason behind it. A while ago, your actions hurt me and two people that I care about and I found that inexcusable. Those actions are what were running through my drunken mind at the time I made that mistaken choice.

Love hurts. And honestly, I think that you should take all that energy you are using in order to be mad at me and your lover and do some soul searching. Find out what makes you happy. Find some way not to depend on him for your happiness. From past experience, you should know that he will bring you much more grief than happiness.

I drove around, but I couldn’t find you.

Hey, I understand why you hate me right now, but please just listen to me one last time to hear my perspective.

Yes, I fucked him. (Please don’t quit reading yet after this paragraph) but I honestly at that moment felt that it was justified because you fucked Jon whom I really care about more than you know.

The next day, I felt horrible. Charles texted me asking me to do it again. I told him that it can’t happen again, it should have never happened in the first place, and that he needs to have more respect for you because you really care about him. (You can ask Meagan and her other friend Megan, they were both there when I texted him that message.) I did not tell you afterwards because I felt that it would do more harm than good (which I guess it did).

I truly am sorry and regret what I did. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but people DO make mistakes. Fact of life. And honestly, I think that you can do way better. A man who is willing to fuck his girl’s friend is not the type of person you should waste your time with. Find someone who will treat you right.

And Amanda, I really do love and care about you and I truly am sorry.

I really hope you are okay right now and not dead in some ditch.

Please answer me somehow.

Chances are I’ll never be with you, but I refuse to be sad about that. I am incredibly happy just to have you in my life. You give me hope.

When I arrived at his house, we greeted and were both somewhat shy and awkward for the first little while. As we went out so that he could smoke a cigarette, the subject of relationships casually came up. He said that he just can’t do them right now and doesn’t have the money or the time for a girlfriend, plus he just moved into a new home. I told him that I can’t do relationships until I learn to make myself happy without relying on another person. He replied, “Why didn’t I think of that.” (I think this conversation was important because I feel it was both of us confirming to each other that there are no expectations in this, which is exactly what I think is best.)

We decided to watch a movie and we sat next to each other on his bed. He kept asking me if I was uncomfortable and finally said I could lean on him if I wanted. Then I did, and he wrapped his arm around me and rested his head on top of mine. I swear, I have never been happier than I was at that moment, just to know that it was Jon who was cuddling me. I treasured every single second of it through the whole movie.

When it was time to leave, he said goodbye to me at my car. We gave each other a big hug and I briefly kissed him on the neck. He said, “Awwww” and then as I backed my face away, he smiled and kissed my lips. It wasn’t a long one, but it was enough to make me overjoyed. Then we gave each other about three more hugs and I left.

It all seems so simple and innocent, yet it was exactly what I had hoped for and it made me incredibly happy. I get to have a friendship with him and I got to kiss him and feel special for a couple of hours. He gave me a lot today.

March 15th

“…and in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”

I may have messaged Dustin, but I did not say anything nearly as horrible as what he said back to me. I simply told him to stay away from me. I am just so uncomfortable with the fact that he is coming and going to places that I go to and talking to people in my life about me.

He has no grounds on which to say the things that he has said. He is just as mentally fucked as I am, actually much more so. And many more people hate him than me. Maybe some people do think I’m ‘fucking retarded’, but I don’t believe that can be everyone like he says. And I don’t believe I am mentally weak. I’m more emotionally weak. I actually think I’m pretty strong.

I don’t feel like I have any support right now, though. And I feel that I need to get out of this fucking place. The counselor type fellow who is supposed to help me with my job search has still not contacted me back after two weeks. My paycheck still has not come in after 3 weeks. And I haven’t heard anything about the job that Meagan’s mom was supposed to help me get.

And I really don’t have many real friends right now. I don’t know what I’m expected to do.

Is it strange for me to consider myself equal with all other creatures on this planet and no better? I mean, we all have a common ancestor and we are all here with the same mission, which is to live another day. Our brains may be larger and more complex, but other creatures have evolved in other useful ways and can survive in ways that we never could. How is that really any different? In my opinion, having a larger brain is a curse in many ways. Just look at how miserable and desperate for answers people are, even though there may never be true answers.

We aren’t any better, we are only arrogant.

Don’t hesitate just because you fear that it will eventually be lost.

Of course it will eventually be lost. Everything comes and goes. Everything lives and dies. That’s just how life works.

Just appreciate the little things as they happen and engrave them into your heart.
They will never truly be lost that way.

And I need a foundation.

I promised myself I wouldn’t rely on other people for my happiness.

But what about creating my own happiness for the sake of other people?

If it could be effective, then would it really be wrong?

I know I could be something amazing if I could just get it together.

I’m still undergoing metamorphosis.

I think I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I can’t judge myself by comparison to other people, because I am not like other people. I’m all my own. I cannot use their standards for myself.

I must create and observe my own standards and develop myself from there.

Shut up, Harley.
You’re beautiful and you know it.
So stop treating yourself like you’re garbage.