May 2012
18 posts
Exhaustion
There is just so much confusion. Am I really this lazy, or are there much deeper obstacles in the way? If I solved these problems, would action become easier? Or am I just that hopelessly lazy?
I’m obviously very distracted from the things that should be important for me at this point in my life. I should be fighting a battle in the outside world, but the battles within my mind seem so much...
Why should I feel like I’m an outsider when you’re...
Anything that shouldn’t be joked about is probably funny to me. It’s not because I’m insensitive. I just think that humor and art make it easier to acknowledge and contemplate the darker aspects of life. If something didn’t matter to me, I probably wouldn’t find it funny in the first place.
Well, I called Day (Alice) and had a nice conversation. I am going to see her on Thursday after therapy. So I guess I did something right today. I can’t stop crying, though. I’ve been crying on and off for the past couple of hours. Maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. I don’t know. I can never accurately tell.
Day
I feel like such a horrible person because I just realized that I never called Day for Mother’s Day. I’ve been feeling like my mom, dad, and Alice forgot about me, but I’ve been such a horrible daughter. I’ve been too caught up in my own shit to call my dad on his birthday, or give my mom a present for mother’s day, or even call Alice for mother’s day. How must...
You know something’s wrong when after hearing your grandpa yell at you and lecture you (and he leaves the room), you start crying, yanking your hair, and hitting yourself with your fist as hard as you can because it makes you hate yourself that much. Also, when I’m lacking sleep or am on certain meds (not any of my current meds) and I close my eyes, these intense, random, and sudden...
Cycling
I know I’ve noticed this before, but I’m noticing again that my mind seems to go through this cycle that doesn’t allow me to accomplish anything.
Sometimes I get into this positive mindset where I decide that I just need to start taking better care of myself and then I’ll feel better, and for a moment I feel really determined. But this is very shaky because as soon as I...
What the hell happened to my life!?
Every once in a while, this thought comes over me. Then a shock. Then I break down.
It was all my fault. No one knows just how much I hate myself for it.
Downhill Again
I thought I was doing pretty okay for a while, but the past few days have been awful. I seem to do fine now when there are no obstacles, but when normal life stressors begin to happen, my mental state completely crumbles. The agony is re-triggered. This is the reason I feel so uncertain about my ability to keep moving forward. I know life doesn’t get any easier. This is all so ridiculous...
High School Stereotypes
I don’t know how many goth or emo kids are seen around high schools these days, but for some reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the trends that went on when I was in high school.
My freshman year of high school, I was definitely an emo girl. Yes, I really liked the fashion and was attracted to it, but to me it was more than that. I know a lot of kids just followed the...
If I get any heavier or stay this fat for too long, I might end up killing myself. I’m just so tired of hating myself this much. But I know that my genes are against me in the matter.
I’m not really suicidal anymore, but there are...
2 tags
Outsider
I’ve learned over and over again since I was a young girl that society hates me. Most people could just go ahead and pick a reason. I grew up religious. Both of my parents are considered bad eggs. I have a disease. I’m overweight. I’m a loner. I’m an introvert. I listen to metal. I’m attracted to dark imagery and thought. I have scars on my arm. I am bisexual. I have...
I feel a war between my inner cry to be an influential expression of the need for change in this world and my perceived helplessness.
Weird
Someone that you consider strange probably has a unique perspective on life and understands life in ways that you never could. I find it a shame that these are the people that most regular people most often ignore, even though there is so much to be learned from them.
So uh, I just made the mistake of trying to listen to a Nicki Minaj song, since everyone on tumblr is always fucking talking about her. As I was listening to it, I looked up at the mirror and realized I had a look of horror on my face.
Seriously though, what the fuck are people listening to these days? I’m really glad I don’t watch much tv or listen to fucking top 40 stations. That shit gets...
