June 2012
24 posts
I’m still going to be sad sometimes, but that’s okay. I feel alive and that’s what I’ve wanted for such a long time. I’m just so happy to be confident at last and to experience life fully. At least, that’s how it is at the moment. Might as well enjoy it, even if it doesn’t last.
I’m pretty sure it will though, at least if I’m right on the...
Clarity at last!
So I FINALLY figured out what the fuck has been wrong with me all these years. I had a breakthrough and realized that my grandfather molested me at some point in my life, and I had just completely blocked it out.
The realization itself was incredibly painful and scary to face. It was so awful that I started hallucinating and shit. But guess what!? I feel SO much better now.
You see, before I...
No wonder people like being alive. This is kinda...
Harley?
Holy shit, I feel like I came back to life or something. For the past two years, I haven’t felt like Harley. I’ve been a zombie. What the fuck? I feel like the exact same person I was when I started out with Dustin… Which I guess I technically am? The hell, I’m so confused.
I’ve been such a corpse of a person and my mind has felt stuck. But all of the sudden today,...
I feel like celebrating.
This is the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. I deserve a fucking beer right now.
The remedy is worse than the disease.
Grandma and grandpa, I know you don’t like the people I spend time with but trust me, I’m much safer being around these people than alone by myself in my room.
Things Will Be Okay
This sort-of relates to my last post. My grandparents and others seem to think I’m not doing well, but to be honest, I think I’m doing just fine. I just need to remember that.
I mean, sure, I still get depressed and anxious and lonely and I still think about killing myself sometimes. It’s also true I have no job and am not in school. But I think I’m doing well.
It’s...
"No improvement"
The other day, my grandmother tried to have a little talk with me that ended up pissing me off. She told me that they have not seen any improvement in me and that they want to know what’s going on. She then made the suggestion that I either schedule a family session with my therapist or find a way to move out. (Which of course, she wasn’t serious about because they don’t actually...
It’s okay, you’re going to feel this way sometimes. It will pass.
I’m not sure how to calm my mind, though.
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I’m sure the seeds of hope are planted and beginning to grow, but they need much more nurturing.
It’s time to start dreaming again.
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You love me, but you don't realize that I am...
You already disapprove of me without actually knowing much of anything about me. Why should I ever think that you would ever approve of me if you actually did know me?
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Atheist
I can remember the exact day that I became agnostic. I don’t remember the date, but I remember sitting in my room and thinking about the concept of God and realizing that based on all that I know, he’s likely not there and that the only reason I clung so tightly to him was to calm my own emotional turmoil and that I’d been in denial for quite a while. That was probably about a...
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What's this?
For some, the most disturbing part of this all would probably be that I desire death even when I’m in a positive mood. I fantasize about it and look forward to it. I’m not continuing my life for my own sake, but for the sake of other people in order to spare them pain. Can that really be considered being alive, though? It doesn’t feel that way. I don’t feel like I’m...
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The Fence
I’m in a fairly positive mood right now, so this is not motivated by my current emotions.
I’ve talked about it plenty in this blog, but I’ve been on the fence for such a long time on whether or not to take my life. I honestly am still not sure about the matter.
I really just want to end my suffering and all of the mental anguish. And I know this isn’t a good reason by...
“For those of us lucky enough to be here, I pictured the relative brevity of life...”
– Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion (via thestritz)
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“Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness.”
– Ayn Rand (via myquotelibrary)
My posts have all been so negative lately, so I thought I might write while I’m actually in a good mood. I have really been enjoying my day because my mom is gone for the weekend, and so I have her apartment to myself for the weekend. It’s just me and her dog, and I had my friend Alex over. We played Bad Fur Day and Resident Evil 5 and smoked weed and watched Adult Swim. He left a few...
Hopelessness
I feel so jaded, hopeless, mentally exhausted, and pathetic. I get high so that there can be at least a couple of days during the week that I feel happy. I haven’t felt good while sober in a very long time. Every once in a while I might feel good naturally, but it doesn’t last more than an hour. This is why sobriety scares me so much. What if I go crazy and kill myself? Maybe my meds...
I still feel so angry and bitter. I wonder how many years it will take for that to subside.
