I can understand why you are so angry with me right now and I will admit forthright that what I did was wrong and I am sorry that you are so hurt by it.
However, there are a few things that I pray you will come to realize and understand.
I hope that you will find the courage to leave this man, no matter how much you may feel that you love and need him. Love should be shown in actions, not words. A man who is willing to fuck your friend without the slightest remorse is not someone who deserves you. I know that you know this, and I want you to find courage somehow.
I also hope that you will once again be my friend sometime down the road. I know I wronged you, and I know that you will find it hard to trust me. But I hope you can understand that what I did was out of character for me, that I felt very remorseful afterwards, that I tried to fix my mistake the best I could, and that I really am not a bad friend despite making a big mistake. I care about you. Outside of this, haven’t I always been good to you?
I hope you can also come to understand just why I did it in the first place. What I did cannot be truly justified, but there is reason behind it. A while ago, your actions hurt me and two people that I care about and I found that inexcusable. Those actions are what were running through my drunken mind at the time I made that mistaken choice.
Love hurts. And honestly, I think that you should take all that energy you are using in order to be mad at me and your lover and do some soul searching. Find out what makes you happy. Find some way not to depend on him for your happiness. From past experience, you should know that he will bring you much more grief than happiness.
Hey, I understand why you hate me right now, but please just listen to me one last time to hear my perspective.
Yes, I fucked him. (Please don’t quit reading yet after this paragraph) but I honestly at that moment felt that it was justified because you fucked Jon whom I really care about more than you know.
The next day, I felt horrible. Charles texted me asking me to do it again. I told him that it can’t happen again, it should have never happened in the first place, and that he needs to have more respect for you because you really care about him. (You can ask Meagan and her other friend Megan, they were both there when I texted him that message.) I did not tell you afterwards because I felt that it would do more harm than good (which I guess it did).
I truly am sorry and regret what I did. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but people DO make mistakes. Fact of life. And honestly, I think that you can do way better. A man who is willing to fuck his girl’s friend is not the type of person you should waste your time with. Find someone who will treat you right.
And Amanda, I really do love and care about you and I truly am sorry.
I really hope you are okay right now and not dead in some ditch.
When I arrived at his house, we greeted and were both somewhat shy and awkward for the first little while. As we went out so that he could smoke a cigarette, the subject of relationships casually came up. He said that he just can’t do them right now and doesn’t have the money or the time for a girlfriend, plus he just moved into a new home. I told him that I can’t do relationships until I learn to make myself happy without relying on another person. He replied, “Why didn’t I think of that.” (I think this conversation was important because I feel it was both of us confirming to each other that there are no expectations in this, which is exactly what I think is best.)
We decided to watch a movie and we sat next to each other on his bed. He kept asking me if I was uncomfortable and finally said I could lean on him if I wanted. Then I did, and he wrapped his arm around me and rested his head on top of mine. I swear, I have never been happier than I was at that moment, just to know that it was Jon who was cuddling me. I treasured every single second of it through the whole movie.
When it was time to leave, he said goodbye to me at my car. We gave each other a big hug and I briefly kissed him on the neck. He said, “Awwww” and then as I backed my face away, he smiled and kissed my lips. It wasn’t a long one, but it was enough to make me overjoyed. Then we gave each other about three more hugs and I left.
It all seems so simple and innocent, yet it was exactly what I had hoped for and it made me incredibly happy. I get to have a friendship with him and I got to kiss him and feel special for a couple of hours. He gave me a lot today.
I may have messaged Dustin, but I did not say anything nearly as horrible as what he said back to me. I simply told him to stay away from me. I am just so uncomfortable with the fact that he is coming and going to places that I go to and talking to people in my life about me.
He has no grounds on which to say the things that he has said. He is just as mentally fucked as I am, actually much more so. And many more people hate him than me. Maybe some people do think I’m ‘fucking retarded’, but I don’t believe that can be everyone like he says. And I don’t believe I am mentally weak. I’m more emotionally weak. I actually think I’m pretty strong.
I don’t feel like I have any support right now, though. And I feel that I need to get out of this fucking place. The counselor type fellow who is supposed to help me with my job search has still not contacted me back after two weeks. My paycheck still has not come in after 3 weeks. And I haven’t heard anything about the job that Meagan’s mom was supposed to help me get.
And I really don’t have many real friends right now. I don’t know what I’m expected to do.
Is it strange for me to consider myself equal with all other creatures on this planet and no better? I mean, we all have a common ancestor and we are all here with the same mission, which is to live another day. Our brains may be larger and more complex, but other creatures have evolved in other useful ways and can survive in ways that we never could. How is that really any different? In my opinion, having a larger brain is a curse in many ways. Just look at how miserable and desperate for answers people are, even though there may never be true answers.
“By choosing your thoughts, and by selecting which emotional currents you will release and which you will reinforce, you determine the quality of your light. You determine the effects that you will have upon others, and the nature of the experiences of your life.”—Gary Zukav (via heartmindspirit)
“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”—Henry Miller (via thoughts-n-dreams)
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it—always.”—Mahatma Gandhi (via sociallyawkward4life)
It often seems to me that becoming an adult means becoming strong and stable in your convictions in order to govern a stable life for yourself and those you love.
In this sense, I want to grow up eventually, but not yet.
I am at a point at life where it is still reasonably acceptable to be a kid, but yet I still need to be given the same basic rights as any adults. I look at it as my time of exploration.
I still have so many questions that my mind seems to insist need to be answered in order for me to move forward. It just will not let me let go of these things.
My mind demands not only answers, but also meaning before it will move forward. I argue often that moving forward will probably bring about those answers it craves. Perhaps it will bring meaning. My mind seems to disregard these arguments no matter how often I present them.
But my mind trembles at this thought. What if there IS no meaning to be found?
I always sort-of figured that if the internet can’t answer something for me, the answer is either very well hidden or else non-existant.
I do not wish to grow up in the sense that I do not wish to stop learning. I want to continue exploring my entire life. I feel that a job will greatly affect that and also make me a slave to society. School will teach me, but it will be according to another’s agenda and I will be in great debt for many many years, even though I may not be satisfied or even find a career. Suddenly, I have to play by other people’s rules, which was exactly what I was hoping to graduate from when I turned 18. This is my life, and I wish to play by my own rules. I suppose this is childish. But who the hell has the authority to give an absolute definition of that word, anyway? Who has the authority to say what is and isn’t right? Everything has two sides of the coin.
It is hard to find answers for yourself when you are unsure of who to trust. How can I confide in other people? Does anyone really know anything? The majority of people know very little except what they have been told throughout their lives. How can I truly learn anything from someone who has never had the experience in order to truly answer those questions? Who can I go to? Where can I find these people who DO have answers, if they exist?
There seems to be so many more unanswered questions than there are answered ones. How can I make confident decisions without being confident in my convictions?
Perhaps this is all childish, but it is a phase I am going through and I feel that I must obtain something important from it before moving forward.
My grandparents want me to grow up. Other people want me to grow up. I do not feel ready to grow up. If I grow up now, there will be a lot of inner turmoil that I will have to hide away in order to function from day to day. Is that what being an adult is? Well, what happens when I snap one day? God knows what I will do. I do not trust myself with power or responsibility. Telling other people any different is asking for disaster.
Is it sad that I have fantasized about being locked up or put in a mental ward my whole life? Just reading lots and lots of books and writing all day every day until my fingers bleed? If I had a dictionary and some way to continue learning, I think I could be perfectly happy.
I want to contribute to society, but not in any normal way. And I do not want to be a slave to society in any way.
I fear normal out of the fear of losing my originality. My individualism.
They say I am being very unproductive by staying in my room all day every day without working and such. But I personally do not find these times to be useless. Every day, I am reading and researching and thinking about a new concept. Whether it comes to politics, animals, science, spirituality, philosophy… I am also learning something and drawing my own conclusions about the world from doing this. How many people can you say do that every day out of their own curiosity and enjoyment? Am I REALLY wasting my life? When I start ‘growing up’, I will rarely find time to do any of this.
In older times, or even in other countries, there would be a place for someone like me (perhaps more so if I was a male). I could be a shaman or a monk or a wandering philosopher. Is there a place for someone like that in America, where everything relies on money?
How can you accept yourself and live in the present when everything about the present is just wrong? And when there’s so much damage control needed to make things right again? It’s like looking at a huge pile of homework that’s already overdue. You just want to say ‘fuck it’.
I’m learning that when you create your own values based on what you yourself observe in the world instead of what you’re told, you begin to not give a fuck about what people think.
I don’t care if they look down on me for having casual sex, or smoking weed, or any other decision I make. If I don’t believe these things are wrong and I am not hurting anyone, who the fuck cares what they say? Fuck ‘em.
I understand that addiction is nasty, but I don’t think it’s completely fair to look down on people who are addicted to anything. A lot of people try a lot of different things, and many of them can enjoy the effects without getting addicted to a substance. Unfortunately though, some people do get addicted. And sometimes it’s caused by other problems in a person’s life. And the shitty thing about addiction is that you don’t even realize you are addicted until it’s too late.
Aren’t some people just more susceptible to it? Isn’t there a reason some become addicted while others don’t? Can a person be blamed for any more than making a normal human mistake?
I know my family worries about my drug use. All they really know is that I smoke pot, though. I don’t honestly think they need to worry as much as they think though.
I will admit I need to stop smoking pot so much, but I’ve seen friends and family die first-hand from harder drugs and I’ve witnessed what it does to people. It has scared me away from that. I don’t really drink much anymore, and when I do I control my intake MUCH better than I once did. I think alcohol is very dangerous. I can see myself trying psychedelics again one day after I am more emotionally stable and in an environment I know is safe. That is about it, though.
I know someone who just died from illegally taking too many prescription drugs. His tolerance got too high and apparently when it gets high, you start to think you’re invincible.
I’ve done hard drugs during a suicide attempt, but doing that is more likely to fuck up your life than end it. (Right away, at least.)
I thought she’d be mad at me for getting into her rum and vodka while I looked after her dog over the weekend. I apologized and told her I’d pay her back, but she said I didn’t have to because I took good care of the dog. She wasn’t even mad! Yay, that worked out better than I thought.
From this day forward, I refuse to be shameful of any action I have taken which brought me exactly what I wanted at the time. I am not subjected to anyone’s opinions or values but my own. When necessary, I can only say my apologies, alter my current course of action, and move on.
It’s been a year and 3 or 4 months, but I still cry whenever I witness any sort-of romance or love making in movies, on television, or in songs. It seems that I should be over it by now.
And he doesn’t know or understand how much it affects me. I did, after all, cut him out of my life. But then again, he didn’t really put up a fight for me. He went right back to the girl he was engaged to before me.
It kills me to know how real it felt on my part and how much of it was probably just acting on his. Acting and manipulation. I don’t know if I was truly naive or if I was aware but didn’t care.
I didn’t care because it was the most alive I’ve ever felt. And that might truly be the most fucked up part of it all.
I was willing to sacrifice my whole future just for the ecstasy I felt.
It’s becoming quite evident to me that my grandparents have given up on me. They’ve only seen me decline over the past couple of years and seem to have arrived at the conclusion that I will not recover or have a future. Just like my mother… Their daughter… And now their granddaughter who they’d felt was their second chance.
I realize that I may have given them every reason to feel this way, but this brings me to tears and breaks my heart.
After all, how can I expect those who love me to have any faith in me when I don’t even have any faith in myself?
And of course, they can’t see in me what I choose not to show.
My best friend, Meagan spent a couple of nights over. I was happy to see her. But now she is gone and I’m more lonely than I was before. I feel my mind deteriorating again and the tears are coming. I just want someone to lay beside me and hold me. I miss that more than anything on earth. I’m alone and yet by choice. Nothing matters to me at this moment.